You’re Speaking My Language

Original Post July 2023

I was introduced to the Love Languages when my children were young. At the time, I was already deep into personality typing through the Enneagram and the DISC model, and I was fascinated by how differently people experience connection. Even then, it seemed obvious to me that if two people are incompatible at a Love Language level, the relationship will eventually feel like work rather than something organic and sustaining.

The five Love Languages are well known: Acts of Service, Giving Gifts, Physical Touch, Quality Time, and Words of Affirmation.

Because I have a Virgo rising in my astrology, Acts of Service comes very naturally to me. I don’t think about it; I simply notice what needs to be done and do it. When I was younger, this tendency tipped into over-functioning. I served constantly, often in environments where people were more than happy to receive without reciprocating. It took time for me to understand that something coming naturally does not automatically mean it is a Love Language.

A Love Language is not about what you are good at or what you habitually do. It’s about what fills you. If love were a fuel tank, your Love Language would be what makes you feel energized, connected, and alive. If something drains you or feels obligatory, it may be programming or conditioning rather than a true Love Language. The real question is simple but revealing: what genuinely lights you and/or makes you feel loved and connected?

I assumed for years that Physical Touch was my primary Love Language. I am deeply affectionate by nature. I touch the people I care about almost compulsively. When my children were younger, I was always holding them, kissing them, or cuddling them. Now that they’re older, I still place a hand on them when we talk or rub their backs without thinking. In romantic relationships, physical affection is non-negotiable for me. If a partner asked me to stop touching them, the relationship would end quickly because that is part of how I inhabit connection. And yet, when I looked honestly at what makes me feel loved at a visceral level, Physical Touch wasn’t it. I value it and need it, but when others are affectionate with me it does not fill my “love tank.”

I also believe we should use all of the Love Languages in our relationships, regardless of our primary one. My oldest son values Quality Time far more than gifts, but I still give him gifts because it’s a meaningful gesture. My middle son isn’t inclined toward Quality Time, but he shows up because relationships require effort. My daughter feels most loved through gifts, not because of their cost, but because the act signals thought and care. Romantic relationships are no different. If I never spent time with my partner, never touched them, or never did anything thoughtful for them, they would feel unloved even if none of those were their primary language.

Love Languages don’t excuse us from effort. They guide us toward effective effort.

What surprised me most was realizing that my Love Language is Words of Affirmation. That discovery genuinely stunned me. When I speak from the heart and tell someone how I feel about them in a raw, honest way, I feel an unmistakable sense of connection and joy. I remember times I thoughtfully encouraged my children when they were younger—truly seeing them, naming their strengths, and speaking belief into them—and feeling a physical warmth and resonance in my chest as I did it.

Receiving Words of Affirmation has the same effect on me. When someone expresses appreciation or love verbally, and it is heartfelt, my body responds immediately. It’s almost electric. I assume everyone enjoys kind words, but no other Love Language comes close to producing that reaction for me.

This realization also clarified something painful from my marriage. My ex-husband struggled deeply with verbal expression. There were many reasons our marriage ended, but I can say honestly that if he had been able to articulate his feelings, we might have had a fighting chance. We were physically affectionate with each other until the very end, the most telling of all as to what my Love Language is. I spent years rationalizing my emotional starvation by pointing to the ways he showed love, but the truth is that I didn’t feel loved because the language that nourished me most was absent.

Saying “I love you” out of habit isn’t enough after a while. Words only land when they are intentional, specific, and spoken from presence. I now see clearly that our incompatibility in this area wasn’t a minor issue; it was foundational.

For people whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation, it’s important to understand that this isn’t about flattery or constant compliments. Context and authenticity matter enormously. When my mother told me I was beautiful, it often felt hollow or even irritating. When my partner says the same words while looking at me with presence and meaning, it feels entirely different. Tone, intention, and emotional congruence are everything. Forced or insincere words can actually have the opposite effect and feel worse than silence.

What I’ve come to understand is that it’s the heart behind the words that matters. Whether or not you believe in chakras, you can feel the difference between someone speaking from their head and someone speaking from their heart. We are moved by heartfelt speeches in movies because we recognize authenticity when we hear it. I had to learn how to speak from my heart intentionally because it was not natural for me growing up. I lived almost entirely in my head as a form of self-protection.

For me, feeling loved through Words of Affirmation means knowing the other person is emotionally present. My daughter tells me I’m a great mom frequently, and I know she means it, but it doesn’t always land deeply because it’s casual. When my oldest son once expressed his appreciation for me spontaneously and publicly, it was profoundly fulfilling. The difference wasn’t the words themselves; it was the intention behind them.

It’s also important to acknowledge the shadow side. For someone sensitive to Words of Affirmation, negative words cut more deeply. Tone, voice, and emotional charge matter enormously. I can handle joking, teasing, or impersonal criticism, but when negativity is directed at me with emotional force, it can linger for a long time. Growing up with someone who used words carelessly made it difficult for positive words to land later. Damage accumulates.

In relationships, I’ve learned to regulate my own sensitivity and remind myself that most people do not experience words as intensely as I do. Over time, trust helps soften that edge, but certain comments will always sting more for me than they might for someone else. That’s simply part of my wiring.

Just as relationships require shared time and physical presence, they also require verbal affirmation, whether it comes naturally or not. For some of us, a lack of affirming words is like slowly cutting off an air supply. Early in relationships, words flow easily. Admiration and appreciation come naturally. Over time, as familiarity sets in, people assume their feelings are understood and stop expressing them. But just as intimacy fades when physical connection stops, emotional connection withers when affirming words disappear.

For relationships to thrive long-term, both partners must stay intentional. I need to know that my partner can continue to meet me in the heart space and speak appreciation with presence. Likewise, I must remain attentive to how my partner feels loved. As with everything in a relationship, sustainability comes from balance, awareness, and reciprocity.